All the Doors

After 8 months, today I walked out of therapy with no appointment for next week. We talked about my progress and acknowledged the door was always open.

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 With the warmer weather, my cats have been enjoying the sunshine. They go out in the morning and come in for food. As humans, our responsibilities are to make sure the bowls are full and open the door as needed. My cats hate closed doors. If we open it before they are ready, our furry overloads just look at us in bewilderment.

"Silly human, I don't want to go inside yet. I want to drop in this spot and have you to rub my belly"

Feline in many ways, I have trouble with some doors. When relationship doors close, for the myriad of reasons relationships end, I'm sometimes left standing there in confusion. What did I do? What didn't I do? Should I have done something differently? Is it me?! These questions and more ring through my head.

Or they use to ring through my head.

These insecurities are not unknown to other people. However, being autistic does cause me to view communication or lack of communication through a different lens. It is not just through words do we communicate so silences hanging the the air have a weight to them.

But that is not my concern anymore.

People, the people who matter to me, know I'm disabled. I've trusted them to be straightforward and honest in their interactions with me. The people who have been two-faced are people I no longer wish to associate with. It is much less painful for me to hear my actions are disruptive to someone from their own mouth than catch it on the gossip vine. I'm choosing not to live second guessing my communications and relationships any more.

That is an achievement.
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My calender is filled with color coded dates of events for May. Flipping the page reveals June is equally covered with markings. Sitting next to the front door of my apartment is gear for tomorrow's gig. I'll load things into the car later today so I'll be able to hit the road bright and early in the morning. In the next few weeks I'll be interacting with hundreds of people and showcasing my talents. It's a busy month, but plans to be very rewarding.

When one door closes, another one is always open. We just have to be brave enough to walk through it.

Hit Submit

In August of 2013, I had a lot of things happen in 72 hours. I had a very messy split from someone I once considered my best friend, I was broken up with, and I didn't get the greatest news from work. On a whim, I picked up a brochure for Nova Southeastern University from a pile of things in my living room.

I needed a change.

I applied for the Master's Program on Wednesday, accepted into the program on Friday, and classes began on Monday.

Since August 2013, I've had many things happen in my life.

I restructured my work life so I work part-time out of my home and the other part time I work from home.
I moved into a living situation that 'seemed' ideal after my previous plans abruptly fell through.
I was verbally and emotionally abused by one of my roommates for several months, forcing me to leave my living situation.
I chose to remove two long time best friends and support people from my life who witnessed the abuse and who chose the side of the abuser.
Luckily, I found the most amazing apartment meeting all my needs so I am now both safe and happy.
I discovered "flow" communities and my perspective of the world has never been the same.
I began promoting my solo performance career and taking my firespinning/flow to the next level.
I took on more administrative responsibilities in the Vaudeville Troupe I am a member of.
I taught a 2 week film camp for exceptional kinestetic learners.
I spoke at several national conferences.
I was able to visit my Chicago home 3 times (yay Prius)!
I started doing some photography modeling while continuing to be an art model.
I continued to be involved in the local film community in supporting roles and as an extra.
I've had significant health setbacks that took months away from me and caused me to refocus my priorities.
Also, there's so much more I'm probably glossing over.

All while being a full time student year round!!!!
*Phew*

I'll be doing another post soon about my Master's Project and what my next few life steps are, but I'm working on readjusting to life out of school in the immediate future. Also celebrating, there will be much rejoicing in the next few days.

I can't thank everyone enough for being so supportive. I've been in hermit mode the past few weeks to stay on track, but just like the Spring it's time for me to come back in fully force. It's still hard for me to process I'm all done.
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Battery is 65%

 If you have ever seen me give a presentation or at a social event, you may think I am naturally a social person. You may think I'm an extrovert who thrives off of talking to people and being a social creature.
It's only one small part of me.

Over the past several weeks, I've had the pleasure of really going back to my silent mode. When I lived alone, I would go days without speaking to another human being. Alone in my home, I don't really have a need to talk. This month, I've sometimes gotten out of work Wednesday evening and not spoken a word until Sunday mid-morning.

I still communicate with people, but it's like this. It's all through technology and not spoken.

I enjoy being able to communicate through written language at times because my reaction time can be slowed down if I'm tired or not feeling well. This reaction time delay can cause a big of a 'lag' on my end of a verbal conversation. For those who have seen it in person,  I'm told it is not always noticeable but I may appear as 'spacey' at times. It's hard to explain it in person when it's happening, especially since I'm not particularly eloquent at the time.

My social batteries need to be recharged for about twice the amount of time they are used, if not more. So a solid weekend of being social at an event will take me at least 4 days to fully recover. Now when I recover, I don't need to be alone. I am perfectly fine being around other people as long as there is not a social expectation. Some people consider it 'rude' to not engage in conversation if you are in the same space. For me, communication is not just verbal.

Dear You, Happy Birthday.

3/10/2014
Dear Me,

Please know, it will get worse. That feeling in your gut will not lessen; please learn to listen to it.
That nagging feeling when you wake up in a cold sweat and can't get back to sleep will not go away. When you hear a door abruptly shut and flinch because it will not "just get better with time".
When  you want to make a plan with a friend and it makes you afraid they will leave you standing on a street corner, that is just considered 'normal' in your mind.
Things will be horrible for half this year (2014).
 ......
But when you turn the corner, things will get amazing.
You'll finally start to appriciate yourself.
You will finally understand ability and disability in a global view.
There is an amazing home you can grow a wonderful garden in and remember what the ground feels like between your fingers.
School ends and it will not be as scary as you think.
The home you will make will be unlike anything you had imagined.
You remember what strong feels like.
You will never be truly alone as love will be in your heart.
.......
I wish I could hug you
and say we will all still be friends next year,
but that would not be true.
Know the price we pay will be worth in it in the end.
~B
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3/10/16
Dear Me,
We did it!!!!!!!
At times we wanted to give up knowing it felt like the weight of the world was on our shoulders. It seemed an impossible feet but it was accomplished in just the nick of time. There is nothing stopping us from this final journey.
Just take the one last step we need.
Just a leap, as we know our ways along the rocky coast.
This project is going to help so many people.
.........
Blessed are you for remembering love.
You opened your heart and let such wonder and light fill you to the brink, overflowing into the ocean.
Wearing your heart on your sleeve paid off.
Be very happy you know what love feels like and know things will only get even better.
Finally we understand how others should treat us.
~B
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3/10/15
Dear Me,
It's okay to be as happy as we are and not think the other shoe is going to drop.
We've turned the corner of success and our dedication will carry us through.
Resiliency is the greatest gift our family has passed on.
Please remember to laugh.
~B

 Happy Birthday to Me~


How do we get the control that we might need to feel safe? I say that the first thing that we need control of is ourselves.-Reference from Aeprils Astrology

Legacy

Leonard Nimoy passed away last week and it affected so many people. He was a great man who left a positive mark on the world. Many people have reflected on what his passing means to them and how he touched their lives. I am not a "Trekie" by any stretch of the imagination, but I admired everything the man stood for.

People who knew him spoke of him as a great man who cared about others. He was kind to his fans and I do feel that is something special considering how large his fan base is. From psychology to the arts, Nimoy was a multifaceted individual who exemplified what I consider "professional". He truely was an inspiration to me and many others.

I look at the legacy he has left behind and I'm filled with a sense of comfort. I firmly believe it is possible for one person to make a positive impact on the world. The world can be dark at times, but there are opportunities to act as a force of light to touch the lives of people. This is something I'm actively working towards and Leonard Nimoy was able to accomplish this. Even in my personal moments of confusion and hesitation, I know one person can make a difference.

System Maintenance Required

At the end of last week, I was asking the Powers That Be to please let my body make it until I finish my grant writing course. The final due date was Sunday. So Sunday I got up early, finished my grant proposal, and went to rehearsal. Things were pretty fine until a few hours later.

I've spoken about being hyposensitive before and how it means I'm not always aware of my body is experiencing in that exact moment. Sunday evening, I just knew I needed to lay down and rest.

Cue to me having very weird dreams with a temperature of over 102. By the time I woke up on Monday, I could not see straight, my head felt like it was exploding, I could not swallow or breath without excruciating pain, and had to drive myself to urgent care because I had no idea what was going on with my body.

When I get sick, I get REALLY sick. Part of this because when I start to experience symptoms, it is very normal for my to just shrug them off and continue like nothing is wrong. I have a very high pain threshold so it take me being in a significant amount of pain (above normal) for it to begin to impact my daily life. Once my arm was broken for 3 days before I had it set because it "was only swollen and I can still pick things up with only a little pain." So to say this pain was a 9 on my scale may give you an idea of how bad it was.

I'm confined to my bed eating copious amount of Popsicles to stay hydrated and watching The Office as I'm trying to recover. I'm so thankful my 20 lb full size weighted blanket arrived yesterday because it feels so relaxing. This is one of those very few times I wish I had a robot servant to bring me Popsicles and the occasional piece of toast. 

Ke$ha butterflies

Today is Valentines day, also known as the day before chocolate goes on sale. I've been resisting getting a candy bar all day because 1) I am trying to be healthy and 2) tomorrow chocolate was be as plentiful as snow in New England.

Today is also one of those days where people analyze their relationships or their lack of one. This is one of those days where people get swept away by romance or are upset at the happiness of others. It gets really confusing.

Personally, I love to see my friends happy and in love. It gives me a ray of hope I'll find someone to be happy with some day. It's not easy for a person with social anxiety to go out and meet new people, but it is something that does need to happen in order to find a special person. Ah, the double edge sword. Most of the time, my desire to stay in my own social bubble wins out.

I will never be one of those girls who 'needs' a romantic relationship. I'm a little lot too independent to get swept up with needing someone to save me. Heck, I'm more likely to do the saving in a relationship or ideally we can make each other better along the journey. I feel people get an idea in their head about what a great relationship looks like without remembering it takes work to make it function properly.

One thing I've had to learn the hard way over the past few years is I'd much rather be by myself than in an unhealthy relationship. Being alone with my thoughts is still more comforting than being wrapped in the arms of someone who treats me poorly. I'm worth waiting for someone special who makes me feel like my stomach is filled with a million butterflies dancing to Ke$ha. I've been privileged enough to know what it feels like to be loved deeply by another person.

It feels like a million Ke$ha butterflies moving in-synch to "Your Love is My Drug".

Image from http://neurowonderful.tumblr.com