Friday, May 8, 2015

All the Doors

After 8 months, today I walked out of therapy with no appointment for next week. We talked about my progress and acknowledged the door was always open.

 With the warmer weather, my cats have been enjoying the sunshine. They go out in the morning and come in for food. As humans, our responsibilities are to make sure the bowls are full and open the door as needed. My cats hate closed doors. If we open it before they are ready, our furry overloads just look at us in bewilderment.

"Silly human, I don't want to go inside yet. I want to drop in this spot and have you to rub my belly"

Feline in many ways, I have trouble with some doors. When relationship doors close, for the myriad of reasons relationships end, I'm sometimes left standing there in confusion. What did I do? What didn't I do? Should I have done something differently? Is it me?! These questions and more ring through my head.

Or they use to ring through my head.

These insecurities are not unknown to other people. However, being autistic does cause me to view communication or lack of communication through a different lens. It is not just through words do we communicate so silences hanging the the air have a weight to them.

But that is not my concern anymore.

People, the people who matter to me, know I'm disabled. I've trusted them to be straightforward and honest in their interactions with me. The people who have been two-faced are people I no longer wish to associate with. It is much less painful for me to hear my actions are disruptive to someone from their own mouth than catch it on the gossip vine. I'm choosing not to live second guessing my communications and relationships any more.

That is an achievement.
My calender is filled with color coded dates of events for May. Flipping the page reveals June is equally covered with markings. Sitting next to the front door of my apartment is gear for tomorrow's gig. I'll load things into the car later today so I'll be able to hit the road bright and early in the morning. In the next few weeks I'll be interacting with hundreds of people and showcasing my talents. It's a busy month, but plans to be very rewarding.

When one door closes, another one is always open. We just have to be brave enough to walk through it.

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