Saturday, January 11, 2014

Deciphering the Mind

My breaking point came at the mall sitting in the food court with my mother surrounded by dozens of unruly people. I felt hunger, but the food in front of me went untouched. I knew something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it to say what it was.
"Don't worry," my mother said. "We'll just talk until you figure out what is bothering you."
THIS is one of the reasons I love my mother so much. It takes me time to process some things and only by speaking these problems aloud in a stream of conscience type of fashion can I actually figure out what is in my head. I wish it wasn't as confusing to be me, but it is. I'm a mystery to myself sometimes and that can be the most frustrating thing in the world.
So then I talked about what was on my mind. These conversations confuse people who don't understand me because often I'll begin in the middle of a sentence or jump subjects without warning if I am trying to figure out what is going on in my head. It is not an exact science, but I just talk about everything that comes to the top of my head. When I'm finished with the thought, I either continue to talk about it or move on to something else. It's a verbal process of elimination where the topic I keep talking about or the only one left over rattling around in my brain when I've said everything else is my problem.
It was then staring at my shrimp I realized what was weighing on me.
I did it.
I build my life on my schedule and now it is up to me to make it work. This week was my first week into being basically my own boss and it was intense. I started a new fitness routine, eating way more protein that I usually do to help pump myself up, and I'm now accountable to myself.
This is intense and everything I wanted. I'm sore and tired and still not unpacked into my new apartment, but it's okay.
For the first time in months, I'm truly 100% happy. I'm standing in the exact place I wanted to be and it's glorious. Dreams do come true if you work hard and don't give up. Believe in yourself and, as cheesy as it sounds, anything can happen.

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