Om Ow Om- Yoga for Dummies

So I had nothing better to do on Valentine's day than try a free yoga class. Now when someone says "FREE", I'm very likely to try something.

That's how I ended up folding myself into various pastry forms.

I had called to reserve my spot in a morning class and I arrived in sweats and a tshirt. When I walked into the studio, I was surrounded by limber pretty people all wearing stylish yoga clothes. Yoga pants make everyone's butt look great so my ass was feeling extra nervous. The walls were lined with posters and colored a very soothing color, totally with the intention of being soothing. It was super effective.

The employees at the studio were so welcoming and nice. They didn't seem too phased when I mentioned the only yoga 'class' I was ever in was in the middle of a field during a fire festival weekend with people in various states of sobriety. I also had signed up for just a "yoga hour" class and not the beginner's class because I wanted to have free time. Since they reacted so well to me, I was excited to begin class.
And then the doors to the yoga room opened.

Now as a rubenesque woman (google it), I am very familiar with not always being in the same temperature climate as others. Some days I don't need a jacket when it's cold out and during the summer my red cheeks aren't always from the sun. But as oblivious as I can be, I knew this room was hot. Not HOT, but the type of warmth that would make you stick to a cheap plastic chair.
I was lead to a spot in the back middle of the room where the other 'new students' were located. We chatted a bit and although they said they had never taken a class before, they had cute yoga clothes on. The overhead speaker died down and class began.

Apparently one of the main Yoga things deals with focusing on only you and not paying attention to people around you.
Oops.
No one gave me the 411 and I didn't bother to Wiki yoga ahead of time.

So as the instructor listed out sequences of movements, I tried to see what other people were doing. I tried to only focus on myself, but all I could think of were things along the lines of "red foot yellow" or "left hand green". These things were extremely frustrating because my yoga mat was purple and you never put a body part on a purple circle in Twister.

I thought I had things under control until the last bit of time. I don't remember exactly what the instructor said to the class, but my mind translated it as "Now we go to hyper speed!" Sun salutation sequences, which I totally knew about before the class, can be tricky if you are tired or sore. If you are tired, sore, and sweating like a whore in church; they are really tricky! I tried my best to breath and OM where it seemed appropriate, but I do need to apologize to my mat neighbors for cursing under my breath at every set.

I try to be a class and articulate woman, but sometimes you just need to say "Fuck" while saluting the sun.
Multiple times.

So yeah... Yoga may not be my bag.